Calcutta?

I blog for simple reasons…I have unanswered questions.  Something in me needs to bridge the gap between the life Jesus lived and the life he seems confined to live through me.  There is an ache, a gnawing unrest, a discontent that has never left and it pushes me to keep looking for some “missing” piece. There’s a disparity that doesn’t go away.

I was raised Catholic, saved at a Billy Graham crusade, baptized in a Baptist Church, met the Holy Spirit in a Charismatic Church, discovered biblical integrity in a Word of Faith Church, learned to hear and to trust my union with Christ in Visionwriters – still, restlessness remains and the feeling that something is missing persists.

I’ve had seasons of rest, moments of fulfillment, and the periodic sense of purpose – but an underlying dissatisfaction is never far from the surface.  I’ve wondered, “What’s wrong? Have I missed something?  Does anyone else feel this way? Am I defective?  Is everyone else content?  Where’s the substance?  Why do I still feel hungry? Am I malnourished? Overfed?”  I’ve felt ‘used and burned out’ at the same time that I’ve felt ‘under-utilized and un-ignited’.  Inside, I cry.  I want more, can’t help it!

A few years ago, I sat with a naturopathic doctor to look at my blood and diagnose potential health problems. We never got further than my informational chart.  When asked my occupation, I entered ‘office manager’.  The doctor couldn’t have known how unhappy I was in my job.  I love the ministry I worked for, but was deeply dysphoric with my function.  I felt locked in position and didn’t know how to get out.

He read my job title (instead of my blood), stopped, and intuitively said the job was draining my life and that it was crucial to my health and well-being that I quit. His insight was uncanny; he spoke many things that confirmed what my heart was telling me.  He opened a window and saw me!  It took a couple of years to let go of the job; but there was one thing he said that day that broke my heart with its clarity…and continues to do so to this day.

I hold the pivotal words close.  I shared them once or twice and received disagreeing smiles.  Embarrassed, I pulled back, downplayed the words, and privately asked God to show me who I am.  What did Dr. Hall say?  He said I have ‘an uncommon compassion’ – the kind that ranks with ‘Mother Teresa’ – and that a ‘hurting world’ is ‘crying’ for me to ‘leave the office’ and find ‘my own Calcutta’.  The words still humble me, yet I’m more willing to let God define me…even if it’s not yet translated in my life.

I think the words seem disbelieving because I often seem selfish.  Not knowing what to do with what I feel, I get overwhelmed and I shut down.  I suffered years of depression, shamed by a belief that self pity fueled its presence.  True, I need an outlet for the compassion that feels so heavy – and yet in tender revelation I see that depression is also intercession on behalf of those who bear unbearable sorrow. I often feel detached from my own emotions; so I wonder how I am so easily anguished by the pain of others.  I cry more easily for you than for myself; even movies bring uncontrollable sobbing.

Raised in the All American Church, I long for a new view, fresh approach, and greater scope.  I want to be a part of the solution, not the problem.  Can I understand union with Christ and not become His literal hands and feet in this world?  I read a book recently that has stroked my hope and is pointing me toward the actuality of the gospel.  I am understanding my conflict and the reasons why so much of my walk has felt incomplete.  I am ready, Lord; let’s go to the Calcutta of your choosing…