Irresistable Choice
I release the notion that I have to fix myself or produce change. I believed I had to be willing to make a change…but now I believe that Change is willing to make me. Change appears as incontestable desire. I’m not consciously choosing each change; each change is more consciously choosing me. When allowed to occur in its time, both choice and change are irresistible; each surfacing as the obvious next step. Heart is transcending mind, revealing God as the God of pure gift.
In the meantime, I am content with who and how I am TODAY. Impatience gets me to waste energy trying to produce my own change. The crafty old voice points out my differences and calls them defects. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling bad about “how” I am as a person. I’m dismissing that voice. I am trusting who I am, no longer looking at what others can do as a measure of what I should or shouldn’t be able to do. I’m not going to look at what comes easily to you and then judge myself for not being able to do the same. Nor take what comes easy to me and use it as an occasion to judge you. I’m letting me be me and you be you…and finding equal value in both.
Another new practice for me…I’m allowing myself to “feel.” You may think, “WHAT?!” but I have felt guilty for feeling anything. If I felt angry, sad, peaceful or glad a voice in my head would tell me I was flawed for feeling that way. Being out of touch with my feelings created a lot of frustration. I thought I was angry at other people, but emotions are tied to a deeper source. Feelings are signals that direct me to my own conscience. If I’m not being true to myself feelings surface to reveal my need for action or inaction. When I ignore them, they escalate into darker emotions that become debilitating.
When I am attached to an event that I feel in some way responsible for - either I feel I did something wrong or didn’t do enough – the apparent lack on my part triggers something that feels like guilt. Usually it stems from not trusting my own instincts. As I learn to value my first impressions of a situation, I see that my gut feeling serves me well. Denying my gut is the primary way I let myself down.
Repeatedly denying the stimuli to say something, do something, or to confront or challenge something turns a slow burn into anger and bitterness. I may point outwardly at someone else, but the truth is, I’m angry at me for dismissing my own inner knowing. I deny me…and that hurts and the pain makes me angry. It’s masked behind the guilt I feel for feeling angry…but the anger’s there and as I learn to be true to myself I know the pervading guilt that looms over my life will dissipate. I will allow feelings to do the work they came to do and then let them pass away. Life really is getting much lighter around here!
An Old Pattern
Have you ever tried to “read people” to find the meaning behind their actions? I noticed this old pattern in myself and realized I’d been prone to it for a long time! Children try on new friendships like shoes, looking for the ones that fit. I lost childhood friendships to what seemed like upgrades. Kids (not usually in touch with their motives) don’t often say why they’re “moving on,” they just treat the old friend differently. As this happened to me, I could feel the shift in their affection and when I misinterpreted the cue to “bug off,” their indifference turned to cruelty. I had to figure out the “end” of the friendship by examining subtleties and inferences.
The pattern carried into adulthood and I wasted a lot of energy looking for signs of the impending end of relationships. The tendency to “read people” entwined me and experience strengthened the cords. I took the approach of “taking the hint” that I was no longer wanted. If I didn’t feel preferred, I felt replaced…and believed it was up to me to figure it out by reading the signs.
Truth be told, I expected the same behavior from God. I expected to be led indirectly – He’d drop a few hints, and expect me to figure it out from there. If I missed the mark, I’d have to live with the consequence of my misstep. Translation: little movement for fear of choosing wrong. My view was skewed. Of course, God is not cryptic; He says what He means. Parables are pictures, not puzzles.
Shifting my focus onto God’s ability to lead, rather than my perceived need to interpret was my way of escape. Along the way, I learned that direct communication is important to me. I am frustrated and disheartened when indirect approaches are taken. I can handle the truth. Please don’t lie to me or coddle me. The truth doesn’t hurt nearly as much as what my mind does when left to its own analysis. My mind can splinter an interpretation in a million different directions, exhausting me in the process. Don’t be rude, unkind, or insensitive – speak the truth in love – but please, speak the truth…
Let our lives lovingly express truth [in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly]. Enfolded in love, let us grow up in every way and in all things into Him Who is the Head, [even] Christ… Ephesians 4:15 AMP
His Choice
As I leave self-scrutiny behind, the real “me” is free to emerge. My view into the heart of God is His choice for me; it’s the revelation of who He’s chosen to be in me. From this vantage point I see the scope of all He intends to be through me. I’m confident enough now to let me be – no matter how simplistic the view. It’s easy to adopt the expression of God in another, but I will ache until I am who He’s chosen to be in me. It is this that gives my heart its proper rhythm. Life is asking me to live while pointing out that the only life I will live is the life I will live right now. Life wants to make Pinocchio a real boy and give the Tin man a heart. I’ve longed for passion and now I know…when vision allows me to be me, then my passion for life will fuel my darkest hour.