Identified by Love
Union with others is established as my own heart and mind align. Aloofness and emotional withdrawal occur in relationships when I feel separated from my own true being. When I take care of the root, the branches bear good fruit. If I focus on a branch instead, then every relational offshoot is weakened. The key to restoration is underground. Winds blow and branches sway; but a strong root system empowers any relationship to weather the storm.
Feelings that trigger emotional outbursts are like storm systems, temporal in nature. I feel what I feel, but feelings are not meant to form my beliefs. Today’s rain is tomorrow’s sunshine. Truth and love are above the storm in a place undisturbed by gravitational pulls and shifting patterns of hot and cold. I allow, accept, and even affirm my own feelings but then I run them through the sieve of my true being. Who I am is higher than how I feel; who I am will temper feelings before they cause harm to those around me.
Trusting the inner work of God in each other is pivotal. God has never asked me to fix any relationship, much less my marriage. He reminds me of our own inseparableness and that awareness naturally repairs the breach I experience in other relationships. Schisms heal through the union I find within myself. My soul returns to Him and all else aligns accordingly. When I am my own true self I relate well with others and possess the necessary grace to look past their frailty. Unconditional love proceeds from who I am; it is not contingent upon another’s conduct. I live with the promise that love conquers all.
Unconditional love may be different than imagined. Unconditional love doesn’t mean there are no consequence for actions or repercussions for remaining blind. It simply means staying true to who I am even if another forgets who they are. I remain true to myself even when someone else is temporarily locked into their lower, intolerant, selfish nature. My love will not be withheld and my interaction may or may not change. Change will be in response to the love I know myself to be rather than a reaction of impatience or annoyance. Unconditional love takes care of the beam in its own eye and trusts the speck in another’s to work itself out.
These days I strive to conserve emotional energy by looking past attitudes in others that formerly triggered negative reactions in me. I used to spend a lot of time trying to convey how their actions made me feel unloved, unappreciated, or undervalued. Now I’ve found a passage that takes me past the maze of “rights and wrongs” that previously kept me looking at relationships from the outside in. I’ve let go of the indignant need for others to see themselves and have found simplicity in my own self view.
I’m at peace knowing that the well-intended self-help industry cannot teach me how to love and be loved, establish boundaries, create intimacy, or to become a woman who can make her man glad he’s a man. The things I tried to learn to make my marriage (and other relationships) enjoyable possessed one major flaw – they came at me from the outside in. They were based on behavior modification rather than heart transformation. Only God can transform a heart. There are no tips, tricks, secrets, laws, principles, or practices that can turn a selfish heart into a self-less heart. Repentance is the key to change and even that is a gift from God. In marriage, as in Christ, I have no “rights.” I am a slave, bound by love…the true nature of my being. A good marriage is born in the revelation of who I really am.
Love [the true nature of my being] never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always “me first,” doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.
1 Corinthians13:4-7 MSG [parenthesis mine]
De-emphasizing Choice
As I let go of fear I naturally experience greater freedom of movement. The way I view life is changing. I don’t place as much emphasis on my responsibility to make right choices – and I feel more relaxed. The focus I’ve placed on the need to choose well has kept me fearful of myself. If the quality of my life rests solely on the choices I make then why wouldn’t I be afraid? My choices often seemed to produce difficult circumstances; what else could I do but blame myself and my foolish choices. I developed a fear of choosing wrong which, of course, only immobilized my ability to chose at all.When this dramatic transformation occurred in our marriage, people began asking Michael and I what we did to turn the tide. Did we start applying messages we’d heard on marriage? Did we make a concerted effort to be kinder, love without condition, to honor and respect each other? What brought about such a radical change of heart? In considering the questions, the answer remained the same…nothing…we did nothing…the change of heart came as pure gift. With the change of heart, the change of actions occurred spontaneously.
There came a pivotal point where I was seriously trying to evaluate what we did. I heard these words, “Susan, you have two choices. You can dig around and try to find what you did to produce such stellar results…or you can accept that you did nothing, and humbly receive the gift that I have given. Consider both options and decide which one brings greater peace and joy…and then rest your faith in that vein of living.”
I decided to view life as a gift I receive rather than something I create by the choices I make. I am encapsulated in trust – and free from the fear of Susan that was destroying my life. God gets more glory now since I no longer give separate credit to the quality of the choices that I make. The result? Movement…the freedom to do, experiment, explore, speak, and to be who I currently know myself to be. That alone gives this new perspective cause for celebration!
Measurable Loss
I need to say it, write it, spill my guts…my brother, Mark, died 3 days ago…on the wings of Mom’s passing less than 6 months ago…a lifelong friend 10 months prior…and Dad just 1 year before that. The last 3 years have measurable loss. I let go of a position I’ve held for 18 years with the ministry that nourished my spiritual roots. Top that off with a marriage that was on life-support for 13 years and you may see why Michael and I were ready to pull the plug. Instead, the miraculous took place! Hearts that were no longer beating, lungs no longer breathing, brains no longer thinking, and emotions no longer feeling, suddenly and inexplicably revived. It’s been 1 year since Mike and I received each other with full abandon. We joke together saying, “together for 20, married for 13, but awake and in love for 1 year now…and counting!” I’m astounded when I think of all the pieces that aligned to create this life occurrence between us. God’s great, big universe rallied together to surround us with the elements necessary to fashion our transformation. In the face of all that has happened, I am so grateful to have my husband – my best friend and lover, my king. I am a beloved queen like every little girl dreams of becoming! So much joy in the midst of so much heartache…life really is all good.