Nothing and Everything
I thank God for each eye-opening experience. There is darkness in the interior realm that only He can use! Until He brings the light I remain darkened about the cause or source of the disturbances I feel. Today, I glory in the paradox of being the cause of nothing and of everything.
God is at work in me, of this I am certain. Nothing changes in me apart from Him. He is my awakening and my continued slumber. When I finally see what I could not see it feels like I could have seen it sooner…but I could not. Conditions (painful and other) create my preparedness to see, to let go, and to grow.
I see a profound connection between letting go and growing up. In a world that pushes for the right to be heard, disagreement easily becomes a common form of self-expression. It’s a snare to wrestle with a difference of interpretation regarding the interactions between us. It can feel like I don’t exist until differences are heard and acknowledged – but who I really am is safe without it.
Heeding the holy unction to “shhh…be quiet” is teaching me that the practice of going silent, letting go of judgment, and of the pain of my own narrow view, is the secret I’ve been looking for. Not one portion of my true person-hood needs to be right, understood, or agreed with. Going silent is the space that shows me that a hasty reaction to disagreement is the cause of most turmoil. Silence creates this beautiful room for growth and fosters the grace that allows others room to grow as well.
Each time I refuse to respond to mental blows with a blow of my own, another gets to see for themselves that the antagonist they deal with is also in their own flesh. Seeing the source of pain is the beginning of the end of it. There is nothing for me to do with pain but to let it be as “nothing” to me. When I refuse to enter the boxing ring I make a way for another to do the same. By taking myself out of the mix the cycle of antagonism is broken and I am free to face the paradox of being the cause of all and of nothing.
Union is irrevocable. Christ is the Author and Finisher of my faith; He’s at work in me causing me to both will and to work for His good pleasure. He does it all and I do nothing…until I am prepared for action…then it will seem as though I do it all. Choice, action, and change are all irresistible. They are the natural response to His inner work; each surfaces as the obvious next step to that which He’s been perfecting in me. I take the step…but His internal engineering makes the step too unavoidable to call it my own or to take credit for it.
A Whole New Meaning
The subject of addiction sits at the core of my inner workings – which makes it a hard subject to resist. For this post, I’ll highlight addiction as anything that a false sense of “self” obsesses over; that which the false self determines to conquer or overcome. It could be anything; even the equivalent to Paul’s thorn in the flesh. Addiction manifests in many forms but I believe people’s propensity toward addiction is grounded in the illusion of a separate self – twisting uniquely in each person. There are no pat answers for overcoming addiction and the time table is God’s alone.
I see that some addictions fall off easily. I’ve overcome many bad habits; but I’ve battled others for years with elusive results. Some destructive patterns are overcome in this life and others are not. But this I know – every one of them is used by God to point to one true thing… faith. More specifically, God’s own faith that leads to awareness of union and utter dependency on Christ in me, as me. Perhaps the most stubborn weaknesses most effectively slay the delusional false self, converting my soul to the truth that Christ is my life and He’s using all things for His good.
The work of the cross, union life (the Gospel), alters the meaning of everything. Sin no longer separates me from God; it does not erect a wall or a barrier between us. When Christ tore down the separating curtain He forever changed my relationship to sin. In spiritual union with Him I find that addiction, bondage, weakness, sins of the flesh, or affliction of any kind takes on a whole new meaning. Now the cycle of addiction (whether overcome in this life time or not) is the opposition used to lead me into greater faith in Him. It leads to abandonment to union, to His life, His strength, and to an absolute trust in His sovereignty that undeniably gets me where I need to be when I need to be there. Some sins fall off quickly, others endure and cause the heartache which leads to greater faith.
Most agree, addictive behavior centers around self-focus. Disarm the addiction by refusing the self that clings to the addiction, the way the addiction makes it feel, or to the erroneous need to cure itself of said addiction. Refuse the self-focus and starve the addiction. The lust to self-improve fans the illusion of independence. A different posture can be taken. Stop thinking about it altogether. The thoughts that cause me to chase my tail have no power to mark a straight line. Instead of thinking about my situation I can watch and observe, and remain quiet by keeping all judgment far away from it. I give the fresh approach a chance to reveal its own value as I watch without judgment. I refuse to separate good and evil by trusting God to use evil for good.
I weave in and out of the conscious awareness of my union with Christ. I think we all do. Addiction is strengthened when I forget that there is no separate “me” that needs to fix, change, alter, or overcome my condition. This same “forgetfulness” also thinks there’s a “me” that can control “when” and “how” each addiction will fall away. Independent thinking plays the “personal responsibility” card to incite self-effort as the means to the cure. I try to keep paradox in mind – for if one side of this paradox is too heavily weighted it tilts toward separated thinking – until Christ tips the scale once again so that His impulse in me, as me, is discerned.
His impetus in me prompts the release of a lie which signals me to let it go. I do, because that’s who I am. There’s never a question as to whether or not I want to let go of sin. I am Christ in His “Susan Mucklow” form and I crave holiness and conformity to Him in every way. His movement is also what triggers new patterns in me that lead to freedom from slavery – bearing in mind that I do not control Him, He controls me. From an outsider’s perspective, my “trusting and waiting” on Him may look like disobedience; whereas my response to His movement may look like obedience. The truth is, He sees the whole package and is pleased.
Feeling trapped in an addiction has much to do with my belief about God. When I project too much sovereignty into my hands and rely to heavily on “my part” of this union then my determination to “rid myself” of the blot will either form or strengthen an addiction. And certainly, if I believe in any way that God is holding out on me then I will rush to “self-supply” which opens the gateway to excess, compulsion and addiction.
I believe that freedom from bondage (like repentance or anything else) is a gift from God. It is not something I manufacture on my own. Paradox is at play here, no doubt. “I” change my mind set (renew my mind, increase faith by hearing the word, etc) and I am the one who takes the new actions that lead to freedom…yet it is not “I” but “Christ” who lives in me. Life is lived by faith in Him – and that means that I wait for His awareness and action to unfold in me (at the risk of scrutiny by anyone who misunderstands my pause). If a victorious outcome is easy, hard, or not at all… it was He Who opened my eyes, caused the light to dawn, and enabled me to take the physical response that created true freedom.
Keeping the “paradoxical nature of truth” in mind keeps me on the same page… even if it seems like there are different translations at times! There is only one Holy Spirit, and He is saying the same thing from different angles. Remembering “paradox” keeps me humble and open, and protects me from the dogma that so easily divides. Thanks for receiving Christ as me… for keeping shame, judgment, or comparison far away from this subject… and for embracing contrast as the glorious teacher that it is!
More Paradox
In co-union I find the poise of life—the balance between being broken and running wild; between lying down and running away; between being selfish and being selfless. Although, paradoxically speaking how can I be “self-less?” Christ did not come to replace self or to eradicate it. It is “self” that accurately bears the image of one deity or the other. On one side of paradox it is impossible to be selfless for God created me to be a self. He asks me to love my neighbor as my self. Therefore the self is to be loved, even as the neighbor is to be loved. Loving and affirming myself is right – being the best possible me (self) I can be is my grateful response to God. In doing so, Christ is glorified for it is then that His image is born again. Love needs a self to express from, toward, and through. Hence, Christ was born. Hence, I too was born. I ache for God, and yet it is God’s ache for me that sets the craving in motion. I ache to be me…this is His will at work in me.