Different, Yet the Same
I have a melancholy temperament and often feel the need to be understood. I like knowing I’m on the same page with others and tend to work hard to articulate or extrapolate meaning. I cherish this part of me when it’s nested in God; but for the struggling mind in me it can be a false cry for conformity. How often have I looked for validation through uniformity with others?
When I need to “be like you” to feel credible then even a different outlook will make me auto-adjust or over-correct my position to make sure I’m rightly understood. It’s as though any difference between us must be relegated to simple misunderstandings. I’m convinced if you just understand me, you’ll agree with me; and if you agree, then my silent cry for conformity is met.
I reject my uniqueness when I suspect others of being better than me. Comparison is the number one enemy of self-acceptance. My fear of being different (and more subtle craving for others to “see it the way I see it”) is rooted in a misunderstanding of union.
I erroneously expect Christ in me to be the exact reflection of Christ in you. When He isn’t, I presume one of us is defective (usually me, but occasionally you). Kicking into conformity mode, I back paddle my position. If I think you’re amiss, I’ll try to shift your position by re-explaining mine. If needed, I’ll pull out bigger guns and cite my inner knowing or what the Lord’s showing me…anything to persuade you that God in me is more accurate than God in you. Please understand, these actions are not conscious, they’re autonomic in nature; it is “false self” preservation at its finest.
Yet another paradox; Christ is the same, but different. His Spirit unifies us, His “sameness” recognizable in each. And yet, this same Christ is expressed differently in everyone and procures different answers and solutions to life’s complexities. His heart is more passionate in one than in another on any given subject. He may ache for political reform and will move one into action; in another He may ache for personal reform and move them to action of another kind. In both, love is the motive, execution, and conclusion.
A difference in passions is not a lack of involvement in the human condition. We’re different parts of the same body…but remain of one heart, mind, and spirit. To applaud our differences is to affirm our uniqueness. Singularity of purpose mixed with multitudinous expression and execution is the key to love gracefully conquering all.
Doing and Being
There was no other choice for me…leaving the familiar was like God pushing me out of the nest. New turf is rewarding and exhilarating – but also a lot like a junkie with intense withdrawals. There are days I am screaming on the inside… demanding some form of definition as to who I am and what I’m supposed to be DOING in life. “Doing” is like a drug that masks the pain of waking up to being myself. The skin crawls and the flesh cries out like the drug addict who would sell their very soul for another fix. I know…I’m melodramatic, but it’s a fairly accurate description for the process.
In moments of weakness I want to return to the familiar by looking for a new role to play, duty to perform, or job to fill. I am inwardly urged to resist the temptation. It’s not that I will never “do” anything again…I will. What I do will strengthen what this season of “non-doing” is all about – allowing myself to be who I was created to be with no apology, false humility, fear, or reservation.
I was wrestled from the nest to find my voice, rhythm, style, and expression…then, to live it by serving others from my true being. I will do much, but what I do will reflect who I am at the core. My service will flow from the revelation of who I know myself to be.
Of course there’s a paradox! Although I spent years doing things that didn’t satisfy they weren’t the “wrong” things. They were the “right” things for showing me who I wasn’t (I have to see who I’m not in order to see who I am). Doing refines being and being refines doing. So I “do” for as long as it takes for me to realize that this is NOT who I am. I may even “keep doing” long after I know that what I’m doing is no longer a fit but eventually I will break under the pressure of trying to do that which does not nourish the call of my being. It is THEN that I will enter a place like the one I’m in right now – a place where I am not allowed to do anything until I can recognize and call myself by the name that God has chosen for me…I am Susan, He calls me a writer…
New Photo Gallery
Michael added a photo gallery plug-in to my site so I can share pictures with you. Under “Pages” you’ll see a new page called “Gallery” with subtitles listed beneath it. I have it set as a slide show; you have the option to view a thumbnail list too. I’ve put a few pictures in…but it will be an ongoing project to re-size photos little by little.
So I’m on the road with the man I love… still exercising the freedom to be seasonally undefined. I’m born to be who Christ has chosen to be in me; and being me is the highest form of gratitude I can give to Him. But I’ve had difficulty knowing just who this “me” is. I’ve melded into others like a chameleon. Coming into my own is liberating albeit confusing. I think that’s why He keeps giving me permission to be “no one.” We’re starting with a blank canvas so I can identify my own color palette, and then use it to express myself in myriad ways.
I’m endeavoring to see myself, others, and life from the Father’s view. I see many expressions of One Christ – with no lines of discrimination. Jesus said, “If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father.” In Him I embody the same paradoxical union. More circles…it’s not a me story, it’s a God story…and yet, in many ways it’s about no one else but me.
He is convincing me that “I” am what makes my life worth living. To receive myself is to receive the only gift I can ever give to others. I cannot give who I wish I were or who I try to be. I can only give you me. During the last few years I have had to find, receive, and employ my own know-how for living and in the process I am finding that I am my own reward.
Receiving myself eradicates the feeling that anything is missing in my life. I’m my own missing link and the only gift I can keep on giving. Here’s my point… before receiving myself, I could not be a self for others; now that I have, I can be nothing less! I’ve come undone…and found wholeness. Paradox and circles…you gotta love ‘em!