All is Only Good
For a long time I was afraid to explore my beliefs because I wasn’t sure how many of them were my own. My heart asked me to step outside of a box but I didn’t trust Christ as me enough to follow. I was scared to go alone and no one else seemed to have the same nagging questions as the ones my heart posed. How could they? Union with Christ forms an eternal monogamy and no one else can go to the inner chamber where Christ as me takes me. He forms a unique expression in me and that means we walk alone… together. Each person’s journey is an emergence into their true selves. For this reason, relationship with Christ is personal beyond degree.
Eventually, the familiar was denied stimulation and I was nudged away. With the distance came daring. I had to give myself permission to be potentially different from those I loved. Fear told me that if I were different I would no longer be liked. I would not fit in. It could be dangerous. What if God authored a different translation in me than He authored in those around me? What if my differences caused friction? What if I no longer fit the mold of who others perceived me to be? What would it cost me and what would it cost those who had relied on me? Fear used these taunting questions to keep me in a comfort zone…until faith removed the comfort and ushered me into the great unknown.
I’m here now, walking in the dark with the Holy Spirit. I “go silent” often. I release uncertainty, loneliness, and isolation often. I let go when I feel deprived of old identities, familiarities, and liberties…I let go often. But I am abandoned to the belief that I am His to orchestrate – His way, for His reasons. I don’t know why one has to leave the nest while others get to stay. But I know this…His love for me is the cause of His action. He has my best interest at heart. He does it for me, not against me. I have not been uprooted because of corruption but rather incorruption. In trust of union I’m giving up the mistaken tones of distrust and despair – not only towards God, but toward myself and others. In Him all is only good.
Asking for Trust
Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
Matthew 6:33 (NKJV)
If the kingdom of God is within me then His righteousness is also found in me. I look inwardly and find the mystery divine – Christ in me, as me – and then I trust Him for the rightness of thought, purpose, and action in everything that follows. To trust Him is to proclaim no ability but His. Not too long ago, I thought to ask for wisdom (it served Solomon well) but instead my heart cried out for greater trust. With greater trust came a greater awareness of union. To trust God with increasing intensity is to dismiss the notion of separation altogether. If I trust God, then “I” am not a threat on any level. The “me” that I thought was my own roadblock is taken down by trust. This higher trust is destroying the illusion of a defective (yet somehow responsible) Susan.
Thoughts of independence and self-reliance (even those hidden in misused words like ‘responsibility’) diminish trust. After all, if change depends on me then I have every reason to doubt. In truth, I cannot do anything until I’m abandoned to the truth that God is in full, total, and complete control. Unlimited trust becomes synonymous with union awareness. There is no separate “me” to depend on, trust in, or to expect something from; there’s no “me” to mess it up or get it right. I didn’t know it but when I pressed into the issues of trust I touched a life that was more real than ever before. Trust is the most authentic evidence of relationship. It is the fruit of union – the manifestation of His Person and Kingdom within. Each trusting step removes a little more old self-clutter from my view.
As I trust, my own opinions fall away. The release of mindsets can be painful but it always brings me a step closer to freedom. Trusting God as the all in all (trusting His authorship in all things) erases the old perceptions. The temporal is fading, but through union I am at home in His permanence. I am led to that which never changes within me – that which is already perfect, finished, and spotless. My requests meld in conformity to His will and they bring me to full agreement with all that He is in me.
Fear of the illusory self is gone when I trust God as my action. Introspection and analytic thinking fade. Hurt, anger, offense, insult, betrayal, loss, insecurity, and a myriad of other feelings are merely fear in disguise. The enemy distracts me with an offense to keep me from seeing the lack of trust therein. I lose the fear that forms the offense when I keep all things in God and accept all things as coming from His hand. Trust has become a bridge and it is closing the gap in my understanding. Truly, there is nothing to do, only something to see…and even that depends on Him. He who began the good work is faithful to complete it…
It’s Up to Him
I am here in New Mexico and that is enough. The rest remains in the hands of the One who generates real emotion and passion. I expect more from Him than what I know cannot come from me. I won’t limit my expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment. I shift my focus and cast off restraint when it comes to looking to God to do abundantly above and beyond all I could ask or think. It’s not up to me to make this “move” meaningful.
We moved on a desire and trust it to make room for a new revelation of Christ. Desire carves out space for Him to rush into. The act of desiring is the act of preparing and emptying out a new spot for Him to fill. Through desire I see my greater need. Desire seems to arise out of a need with the sole purpose of being able to receive Him as the true supply. A new desire becomes the next new place in me that He intends to flood.
A desire seems to call Him into my awareness. To recognize a desire and to see its fulfillment is to see a new manifestation of my union with Christ. Every true desire of my heart is Christ longing to be Himself in me. To sit with the desire (allowing it to blossom) is to make room for His expression in me, as me.
To take hold of the new means I must let go of the familiar. For every perceived loss there is an equal or greater gain. Fruit is born out of death; God makes a statement by taking loss and turning it to gain. He reveals Himself in the earth of my life through a seedling of desire and His image is reflected in the fruit that is born. He is my surrender…all the way to the point of true reflection. He supplies the energy and drive. I remain still in the midst of His motion.
Humility is taking Christ as identity and receiving all of heaven thereby. Desire is born of God; I know I cannot transform myself. At best, I can rearrange life and pretend its real change when it is not. I can alter external environment but only Christ can alter spiritual scenery. He opens my eyes to see the green and the lush as it springs forth.
Flowers are growing and lining the pathways of my life. I am like a cracked pot who drips water; I feel flawed – but I will see that every drop of water is creating a bright spot in the earth around me. Bearing fruit is not my strain or struggle. It is a natural occurrence for one who abides in the Vine. I see the fruit that is already born. The already ripened fruit is being shaken off and the “greater harvest” is up to Him…