All is Only Good
For a long time I was afraid to explore my beliefs because I wasn’t sure how many of them were my own. My heart asked me to step outside of a box but I didn’t trust Christ as me enough to follow. I was scared to go alone and no one else seemed to have the same nagging questions as the ones my heart posed. How could they? Union with Christ forms an eternal monogamy and no one else can go to the inner chamber where Christ as me takes me. He forms a unique expression in me and that means we walk alone… together. Each person’s journey is an emergence into their true selves. For this reason, relationship with Christ is personal beyond degree.
Eventually, the familiar was denied stimulation and I was nudged away. With the distance came daring. I had to give myself permission to be potentially different from those I loved. Fear told me that if I were different I would no longer be liked. I would not fit in. It could be dangerous. What if God authored a different translation in me than He authored in those around me? What if my differences caused friction? What if I no longer fit the mold of who others perceived me to be? What would it cost me and what would it cost those who had relied on me? Fear used these taunting questions to keep me in a comfort zone…until faith removed the comfort and ushered me into the great unknown.
I’m here now, walking in the dark with the Holy Spirit. I “go silent” often. I release uncertainty, loneliness, and isolation often. I let go when I feel deprived of old identities, familiarities, and liberties…I let go often. But I am abandoned to the belief that I am His to orchestrate – His way, for His reasons. I don’t know why one has to leave the nest while others get to stay. But I know this…His love for me is the cause of His action. He has my best interest at heart. He does it for me, not against me. I have not been uprooted because of corruption but rather incorruption. In trust of union I’m giving up the mistaken tones of distrust and despair – not only towards God, but toward myself and others. In Him all is only good.
Rest
With a hunger to find God, I found the whole of who I am. He is the principle I long to recognize, the character I long to possess, and the freedom I need to just be me. He establishes my foundation and builds the walls that fortify my city. He is my soundness of mind, my balance, my ability to partner, to parent, to originate, to cultivate, to create, to establish, and to secure. The anguish of certain actions in life have merely been consequences leading to new patterns of living. Over time I have learned that life is learned over time. Life is filled with vital lessons in acceptance and joy. He’s leading me to the high places of surrender so I can experience the depths of spiritual freedom. There is nothing for me to fear, least of all my self. I humbly concede the words He has spoken. Established in His bosom, I know myself in Him. I trust Him with my life; His word concerning me is in motion and will not return to Him void.
The Irresistible “Woo”
“Mountains crumble in the presence of those who know how to wait, watch, and then boldly walk through the passage that appears before them.” –Guy Finley
Mike and I don’t fully understand this place we’ve entered; but somehow, in spite of the darkness (or maybe because of it), we are comprehending what aids our trust and are letting go of that which opposes it. God got smaller in our eyes each time our attention shifted to “our part” in procuring change. Real change occurs – and when it comes it’s not optional; it is God who makes the demand for change, engineers the circumstances for change, and supplies the passion to make the change.
We can’t change our heart and the heart is where all true change occurs. We can feel desperate, but we can’t make our desperation real anymore than we can manufacture our own repentance. God is the author and finisher of our faith. We speak, pray, cry aloud, and groan too deeply for utterance but it is always in response to His groaning within us. His presence is irresistible; His beckoning is deafening; His urging irrefutable. He aches and we can’t help but ache in return.
He brought us to this place and insists we receive only what is good and right for us. The circumstances seem bitter but we know they bring better things to come. It tarries, and we wait. The seedling has the right to grow even when we barely see any change in its stature. Hope never fades and love never fails!
Mike and I keep anticipating certain outcomes and time frames. Through disappointment we reach for the irresistible woo of God to trust that an opening will appear in this seemingly solid wall. Yes, we’re sure He’s not asking us to take a pick axe and force an opening! He’s asking us to wait; to watch and see as His providence turns a partition into a passageway. He is getting bigger in our eyes every time we resist the urge to eradicate our own problems.
We stay willing – instead of willful. We wait (even when it makes no sense) and as we wait God is mounting trust (like a steed) and riding triumphantly — establishing our hearts in the fact that He is too big to need anything from us at all. We are the object of His affection. He is silencing the fear of loss by becoming the only thing that matters and that which can never be lost or taken from us. To God be the glory!